SCUTTLEBUTT in slang usage means rumor or gossip, deriving from the nautical term for the cask used to serve water (or, later, a water fountain). The term corresponds to the colloquial concept of a water cooler in an office setting, which at times becomes the focus of congregation and casual discussion.
“Caregiving often calls us to lean into love we didn’t know possible.” ~Tia Walker
Many people have asked me how I become a caregiver? The answer is that every actor needs a day job, but looking back on my life I don't recall a day that I wasn't caring for something. I had lots of pets as a child and later I learned to nurture all the many roles I would play in my lifetime. In my 20's I nurtured a radical homestead in Oregon. In my 30's I started raising a family and in my 40's I nurtured a relationship. Here I am at 50 and I am caregiving 24/7 and have been for years. Currently I take care of 5 family and friends. I indeed, am tired of this work, but I live in CA and retiring is not an option.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be a caregiver who never gets frustrated and is an eternal optimist? Maybe there are caregivers like that. If you are one of them, I applaud your emotional strength and resilience. However, many of us who have provided care for aging and ill loved ones do not fall into that category. I know I don’t.
Each day, we face new challenges and try, once again, to solve those that keep recurring. Caring for a loved one is trying work, and not every caregiver is able to keep a level head at all times. Moments of sadness, frustration and anger can easily get the best of us and cause our thoughts to take a rather dark turn. Sometimes they can leave us wondering, “Did I really just think that?”
It’s important to remember that these negative thoughts are a completely normal reaction to a stressful and sometimes thankless situation. Rather than guilting yourself for how you feel, the key to getting past these thoughts is understanding that you’re not the only one who experiences them. Here’s a sampling of “caregiver confessions” that I’ve heard, and at times felt, over the years.
Being honest with yourself about how you are feeling physically and emotionally will allow you to take steps to improve your mindset and quality of life. Obviously, some of these thoughts are more serious than others. However, what is most important is the frequency and duration of these thoughts. Let’s look at each one more closely.
Caregivers are constantly shifting their focus from person to person and task to task. They’re balancing careers, children, spouses, parents, pets, errands and housework, and that leaves little time for them to catch a breath, let alone do something they enjoy. If this describes your life, you are beyond ready for some outside help. Whether that means hiring in-home care for respite so you can get away or asking a sibling to step in for a couple of weekends a month, it’s time to make your life yours again. If you don’t take a break, the resentment is bound to turn into caregiver burnout, which may lead to depression and health issues of your own.
Elders in need of constant care generally feel a lack of control over their lives as their abilities slip away. This can make some of them disagreeable and bossy as they try to exert control over whatever else they can. Caregivers typically are the closest and most accommodating people around, so naturally, the needling falls on you.
Generally, the answer to this is to learn to detach with love. If Mom picks on you for eating junk food or Dad insists the lawn isn’t cut right, just let it go. You need to set some boundaries that determine what you will and will not respond to. Many things our loved ones say are irritating, but few of them are truly important.
Often, if an elderly parent is bossy and critical, it’s more about them than it is about you. By detaching instead of reacting, you will let them know that they have been heard, but their message did not faze you. Try saying something like, “I’m sorry that’s bothering you,” and then carry on with what you were doing. In this way, you’ll be respectful, but you also won’t be a doormat. They will likely get tired of trying to boss you around if you consistently refuse to give them the reaction they’re looking for.
We all have these thoughts occasionally—usually about rough patches at work, with our kids, and with our significant others. If this feeling only happens once in a while, you’re probably just having a normal reaction to a bad day. Caregiving can be tough and demanding. Caregivers often become exhausted. However, if you find yourself thinking like this often, you should make an appointment with your doctor. These feelings could be a sign of clinical depression, which can improve with therapy and/or medication. A break from constantly providing care is also in order. Talk with your doctor about how you are feeling and ask what resources are available to help you feel less overwhelmed and share the load of your loved one’s care.
This is a tricky one. As caregivers, we don’t want to make our care receivers feel like they are a burden. The flip side of that is that our loved ones can completely lose sight of how much we sacrifice because we try so hard to be pleasant and provide for them.
Furthermore, some care recipients are not cognitively capable of understanding the concept that the caregiver has other obligations, and that’s something they can’t help. If you still have a nagging thought that you are unappreciated, you may be in over your head. Getting some respite care may help. Once the care receiver understands that you are serious about not just wanting a break but actually needing one, he or she may be more appreciative. Either way, it can’t hurt to take a break. You will feel refreshed and likely be able to cope better with the situation.
Nearly every person has felt this way before. Even for non-caregivers, it’s difficult to succeed at work, invest in friendships, nurture romantic relationships, raise children, take care of errands and still have time leftover for yourself. It seems that something always ends up neglected or half-done. Caregivers’ time and energy is stretched even thinner and the stakes are even higher.
In most cases, we muddle through difficult days or weeks, but if it’s ongoing, you have clearly taken on too much responsibility. It’s time to break down your tasks and delegate some of them to other people, whether it’s family members or outside help. For example, if your spouse is feeling neglected because caregiving is cutting into your alone time, it may be time to say, “If you help me with some of this work, it’ll get done faster and we’ll have more time together.” If both of you are short on time, then try outsourcing the work by hiring a few hours of in-home care. Regardless of your situation, you need some time to devote to what is important to you, including yourself.
This is often a literal problem. If you like to decompress by taking a half-hour break in the evenings to relax in the tub, but you are routinely interrupted during this sacred me-time, you are bound to feel some resentment. Things pop up occasionally, but if you can never truly take time to yourself, please look for some help. Even a senior companion from the Retired Senior Volunteer Program (RSVP) or a friend may be able to come over and sit with your loved one for an hour while you recharge your batteries. If that isn’t possible, it’s time to look for adult day care programs or a few hours of in-home care each day.
See number two above. This behavior is often not about you. It’s about them and their unhappiness over all of their losses. Do your best to detach from the criticism and get breaks when you can. Not taking criticism seriously is the best way to avoid resentment. If they complain about everything all the time, it’s likely a control issue. But if it’s isolated to one or two recurring things, a remedy may be had. For example, if Mom always complains about what is for dinner, it could just be pickiness, or it could actually indicate that she’s experiencing digestive issues, having trouble chewing things, or masking her concerns about the grocery bill.
This is likely to happen to even the most patient caregivers. It’s human to feel overwhelmed by the constant needs of others. If this feeling is persistent, though, it’s likely that you’re experiencing caregiver burnout. It’s time to get some help with your caregiving so you can have a break. It’s also important to make an appointment with your doctor to make sure you aren’t depressed or experiencing physical symptoms associated with all the stress you are under.
This is a very serious thought that requires an appointment with your primary care physician or a mental health professional immediately. Even occasional thoughts like this can signal hopelessness, indicating you may be clinically depressed. Viable treatments are available, but you must take the first step in seeking them out. Suicidal ideation is a sure sign of distress. Please take care of yourself.
Believe it or not, this is a common thought, and you aren’t a bad person for thinking it. Why would you want to watch someone you love feel so ill day in and day out? Beginning palliative care to help manage their symptoms can help a great deal. If their condition is terminal, hospice care is a wonderful next step. Usually one organization can arrange palliative and hospice care, depending on a patient’s prognosis. The staff also offer counseling for family members, and they generally have volunteers who can assist with hands-on care.
Regardless of a loved one’s prognosis, you need breaks. You can’t sit by their bedside every minute for months at a time. There are worse things than death, so drop the guilt. You aren’t the only one who has had this thought, and it comes from a good place.
Having passing “bad thoughts” is normal in life, especially in caregiving. You are tired, stressed and being pulled in all directions. However, if you find yourself consistently thinking in this negative manner, it’s time for outside help in the form of respite care, a check-up with the doctor, some counseling and plenty of R&R. Your loved one’s wellbeing is important, but remember, you should still be priority number one.